You will never fully control your emotions (and it’s not your fault)
Hi, I hope you’re doing well, and have had a good week. I have a question for you.
If you pause and imagine a future you that’s thriving at work, what do you think of?
You might think of a few things. A few years ago, part of what I imagined was a sense of calm. I wouldn't feel frustrated, stressed or anxious anymore. I'd take everything in my stride without feeling those emotions.
I knew it wouldn't be easy to get to this point, but it was a point I wanted to get to, eventually. Perhaps it is for you, too.
This week, my random advice to self is: You will never fully control your emotions (and it’s not your fault).
I’ve written before about some common unhelpful beliefs about emotions. Two examples are “I should be able to control my emotions” and “I shouldn’t feel this way”. I've certainly noticed these thoughts pop up when I'm feeling emotional. Perhaps you have too.
Now, I’m not saying we can’t control our emotions at all. We can.
I am saying that we can never have full control over our emotions.
I think this is an important distinction. If we think that we should be able to fully control how we feel (if we try hard enough), then we’re likely to feel bad when we can’t.
For example, when we feel anxious, or stressed, or some other unpleasant emotion, we might see that as a reflection on us. Some sign that we're not quite 'there' yet. Some sort of failing on our part. Which is likely to make us feel worse.
And that's not just unhelpful, it's also unrealistic. In reality, we can’t control our initial emotional response to something. We can only control what we do once we’re aware of our emotional response.
This is because our emotional brain receives and interprets information faster than our conscious, rational brain. It takes our rational brain several milliseconds longer to become aware of what's going on, and provide a more sophisticated interpretation.
That might not sound like a long time, but it means we can have an emotional response before our rational brain is aware of it, or had a say in how we respond. If we experience a strong emotion, involving a whole-body physical response, it can also take a little while to come back from.
I think knowing this is powerful. If we find ourselves feeling ashamed or frustrated by our lightning-quick initial emotional response, we can remind ourselves that we can’t actually control that bit. Our rational minds need a moment to catch up. That’s how our brains are wired. It’s not our fault.
It can also remind us that not feeling emotions is not the goal. With all the self-development or hard work in the world, we will still be emotional creatures. We'll still feel stressed, anxious, or frustrated from time to time. Changing our relationship with our emotions might be a more helpful goal.
So, if you need it, here’s an invitation. Next time you feel an unpleasant emotion rush in, focus on helping yourself deal with it, rather than judging yourself for having it.
Heather x
