What standard are you comparing yourself to?
Tip: download the worksheet and save it somewhere safe before you type your answers in.
We’re probably familiar with the idea that comparing ourselves to others, or to some impossible standard, can be unhelpful. But it doesn’t mean we don’t do it.
I don’t tend to think of myself as someone who falls into ‘comparison-itis’ that often.
But I’m human, which means I’m probably constantly comparing myself to someone or something, and assessing the difference. Often unconsciously.
There’s a theory in Psychology called Perceptual Control Theory. At its core is the idea that we manage ourselves and our environment using feedback loops:
We compare our perception of the current state, to our perception of the ideal state, and then act to try and close the gap between the two.
Perceptual Control Theory suggests that we do this for everything, from the lowest level of human need (like regulating our body temperature) to the highest level (like achieving our potential).
It also suggests that, when we can’t close the gap between the current and ideal states to a satisfactory level, we experience distress.
Sometimes, it’s not possible to close that gap. Sometimes, our perceived ideal state isn’t possible to achieve. Sometimes, the comparison we’re making isn’t actually accurate. So we will always think we’re falling short, no matter how well we’re doing.
When this happens, these comparisons we’re making are setting us up for feeling bad about ourselves.
Here are some examples we might experience at work:
We notice that we really struggle to be productive for eight hours a day. We think we should be able to. So we keep trying. We find ourselves exhausted, and even less productive.
We feel anxious or overwhelmed about how much we have to do. We think everyone else is somehow managing it. Despite our best efforts, we still feel overwhelmed. We feel like there’s something wrong with us.
We compare ourselves to someone who’s been doing this job much longer than us. We think we should be at that level, but we’re not, even when we’re trying our best. We feel like we’re not good enough.
The good news is that this process of comparison is completely subjective. It’s based on our perception of the current state, our perception of the ideal state, and a pretty rudimentary comparison between the two. It’s not absolute, objective reality. Which means we have the power to change it.
When we find ourselves feeling stressed or anxious about how we’re doing, or feeling like we’re not good enough, we can get curious and gently ask ourselves:
What standard am I comparing myself to here?
Is this standard reasonable?
Is this comparison accurate?
Is it helpful?
For example:
Is it reasonable to expect eight hours of productive work each day? (Spoiler alert - research suggests it’s not).
Is my sense of how I compare to others accurate? For example, when I feel like I’m the only one who’s overwhelmed, am I comparing my messy, human, internal experience to what they choose to display outwardly?
Is it helpful to compare myself to someone who’s much more experienced than me? Is it motivating me to try, and to improve? Or is it keeping me quiet, embarrassed, or afraid to try?
It’s entirely normal and human to compare ourselves to some standard. Whether it’s a person, a level of skill, or simply an expectation about how we ‘should’ be doing.
It can be a really helpful motivator, and give us a sense of direction for our efforts.
But if it’s knocking our confidence, making us scared to try, or generating a lot of stress or anxiety, we might decide to question it.
I’ve created a simple worksheet to help you explore this further with a specific challenge you’re having, if you’d like to. Feel free to download a copy to use as and when you need it.
Tip: download the worksheet and save it somewhere safe before you type your answers in.
Disclaimer: these resources are for educational purposes only, and are not a replacement for coaching, therapy, individualised mental health support or medical care. The content I share here is not specific to you, your circumstances or situation and should not be treated as personal advice.